Deep Processing...

" You were the sun that brightened my day

Now who’s going to wipe my tears away

If only i knew what i know today

Mother i’m lost without you "

Lagu Sami Yusuf terus menjadi teman setia, sesetia air mata yang terus-terusan tumpah..

8 May 2011

I suppose it's reaching the limit now. I have tried, my best. To act like grown ups. To show that I am able to carry myself, handle my own feelings with care, and most importantly to achieve my own target of being a better person compared to before. Last year was my first time being afar for a very long period of time. 13 Sep-5 July. It was almost one year. Never had I thought that I could be that 'strong' ... But alhamdulillah, the 'pain' was paid with a 2-and-a-half-month break, spending almost all the time with beloved family. But it wasn't that 'satisfactory' for me since I think I didn't do much as a child to my parents; neither being helpful enough, nor showing enough care and love to them..

'Ala kulli hal, alhamdulillah. I couldn't deny that it really worked as therapy for me, having said that it has reached the limit (as what I'm facing now ). The break was a real 'break' that I wasn't anymore 'engaged' to things like the haunted essays, bundles of reading and the suffering from non-stop homesickness. (It was rather worse when I lost my beloved grandma a few days after my arrival. ) Alhamdulillah.. I don't think I can stand up till today without that therapy. (Allah knows best and He has planned what's best for me)

Personally, when reflecting myself a few months back, I could say that I am getting 'stronger' - I cried less ;-) .. Thanks to everything that keep myself busier compared to my First Year. Alhamdulillah, that's the 'hikmah'. Mum always says: "It's not only you, it's me too, who feels the same thing. I did this, and that, to lessen it.*rindu, teringat2* And so do your friends I guess..Be patient.. It's only 3 months. or 2 months. or 50 days." (She even does the countdown!) and she sometimes makes some jokes or tries hard to change the mood- "Macam mana nak duduk jauh nanti kalau sekarang pun macam ni.." and I know what she did was predicting my future married life. ;-) " Oh Mum.." I was speechless. One thing that I really hope is that I will get a really understanding life partner in the future, ameen.

8 May-13 JUne

It's +- one month left! And I have got too many things to think and settle before I am again back home. InshaAllah..I suppose people sometimes become stressful or depressed and homesick due to the excess thinking their minds do =)

I wont do the list here.

But, I hope everyone who reads this will pray for my success in my upcoming Final Exams and may Allah grant me happiness and peace at heart always..

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Silence.

People shouting outside.

Cars.

No more Sami Yusuf's song.

Silent moonlight.

Silence. and peace. and tears.

Good night...

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And I call this:

Deep processing.

For me to become a better child.

a better friend.

and.

a better person.

InshaAllah.

*air mata , kian kering*